The Raw Truth- 2013

I get asked by woman about various marital and relationship questions and how to handle certain situations that crop up. Within the last several years of counseling, interviewing, and consulting women on various topics there is one topic that seems to be cropping up more and more so I decided to discuss this today- "Why doesn't my husband show me love and affection and why do I feel so unloved"?
Let me begin by saying I have been there and know how you feel, however I no longer feel that way anymore. So what changed you ask? Actually I changed! I know you might already be thinking "why should I change? Why can't he change?" Let me explain, but first a little background-
I grew up in a very loving, close-knit family. There was never a day that went by that I was not told    "I love you". My family believed in hugs and being compassionate and sensitive to other people's feelings. To this day I have instilled these values on my own children and now as they have grown I have seen them be compassionate and loving to others.
When I met my husband he was very laid back and easy going. He worked hard and often worked 6-7 days a week at his job often 12+ hours a day, so when he got a day off he was thankful and we planned outings alot. He was always surprising me with gifts all the time which I never expected and that was one of the ways he showed love. It wasn't about the money and so when we married,  close to 20 plus years,  it took me some adjusting to being showered with surprise gifts and I quickly learned that was his main way to express his love. He also would call, leave me messages at work on my cell phone just to say hello and he loved me. He knew I appreciated and never expected gifts for what meant the most was his calls and messages and looking forward to spending time with him is what mattered to me.
My husband decided into our 4th year of marriage to start his own company and we prayed about if for our son was 3 years old and we would be losing 401k, insurance benefits, etc. if he decided to quit his job of 10 years and start out as a new business owner. We prayed and God showed us the answer and so my husband has been self employed the last 16 years and God has blessed us by allowing us to help a lot of great people. Many people seem to think being self employed is glamorous, well let me tell you it is not. Alot of stress comes with being self employed and it is not a 8am to 5pm job! It causes you to age and alot of grey hairs! So why am I telling you all of this? So you can understand some background to get the ultimate message.
As my husband'a business grew, he no longer was the calm and easy going hubby.
He became stressed, short-tempered and the work didn't stop at 5pm and he often had little sleep. He stayed tired and the boys and I supported him and helped him as much as we could in the business. No longer was I hearing from my husband during the day- no calls, texts, etc. I missed that.  As the years went by I noticed my husband spent more time in his office than with me and the boys. He was continuously on the phone with friends, customers, etc and somedays we would just beg him to sit down and spend time with us, even if it meant going out to eat where we could all sit down together. In the past couple of years i began to feel sad and lonely for I missed my husband. We could be under the same roof and still in the same house and the boys and I would talk, watch movies and have fun, all while my husband would be on his computer or watching certain tv shows he liked at night down stairs. I felt sad, I didn't care that he had not surprised me with messages, calls or gifts anymore, I just missed my husband and felt alone and unloved. I thought I had become unlovable. My self esteem was going down and when I tried talking to my husband about it, he was either too busy or said he just needed more sleep. When he came home everyday he would go straight into his office and then eat supper an go outside and stay on the phone for sometimes hours while I spent time with the boys- they are grown now and I know they don't want mom hanging out with them all the time!
I felt my sadness start to go into depression and I prayed that God would mend my sad and broken heart as my husband would get angry very quickly now and was not the laid back man I married. There would be times his words were harsh and would cut like a knife and all his main focus was to make more money. I worked and I also supported him in his business but I prayed, "God I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and feel so lonely, please help change him."
There was a change that happened but it was not to him, but God changed me. As I walked closer to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and stayed in His Word, I saw that I was not sad and lonely anymore for what I was looking for in my husband, only Jesus could give me. Jesus satisfied my heart and soul and I grew leaps and bounds in the Lord. No longer were the days of me being sad and wondering why I was ignored or not good enough. God changed me and one night God revealed something so special to my heart. He said, "Step out of the way and put all your trust in me and I will make all things new. You have stood in my way and tried to do things on your on and if you would step aside please and get out of my way , I can then work on your husband's heart."
I realized then I had to change first and strengthen my walk with Christ even more and once I was in alignment with Christ, I had to obey and step aside and quit covering for my husband and allow God to teach him and to work with him.
It wasn't long after that when my husband collapsed on the job and was rushed to the ER and had developed a condition that requires him to take medication the rest of his life for his body to function properly. It was a wake-up call from God and he knew then life was too precious to take for granted.
The road may not always be easy but his walk with God has strengthened and he is more away today how precious life is. No I don't miss the surprise gifts, those days are gone and I know he is busy and understand when he doesn't call or text me for I am happy to know that God is my strength and my hope is in HIM and not man. Since my husband's near brush with death he realized that life is too short to focus on money 24/7.
God changed his heart and temper but it took me changing first.